Insomniac...

"Insomnia is a sleep disorder characterised by an inability to sleep and/or to remain asleep for a reasonable period during the night. Sufferers typically complain of being unable to close their eyes or 'rest their mind' for more than a few minutes at a time. Insomnia is often caused by fear, stress and anxiety."

What? And all this time I thought it was caused by not watching the clock and trying to mix that last song right.... for the 15th time. But noooo. They have to go and get all medical on me and stuff.

In the words of Rex from Toy Story, "oh no! Now I have guilt!"

Why? Ok. For some of you this will almost be impossible to understand. But there once was a day that I believed that the word Christian and terms like "disorder", sickness, or illness could not be used in the same sentence. Not if you were a good Christian anyway. Real Christians don't worry. Real Christians don't fear. Real Christians don't have stress or anxiety. And real Christians don't get sick. Even if they have symptoms, it's not real. So to call myself an insomniac is a like grabbing the wheel of my ship of faith and running it aground. Land Ho! I will have what I say so by saying this, I have created this for myself.

But I keep saying I want to be 6' 4" and I don't seem to get that. But if I say, I have a hard time sleeping at night, they say, "it's because you confessed it with your mouth." If I say to them, "You're an idiot." I wonder if I'll get that too!? How about, "Go jump in a lake." Will my ability to create reality with my tongue suddenly bring about an irresistable compulsion for them to find the nearest fresh water body and dive? Not yet it hasn't. And I confessed it reaaaaallllyyy hard. I don't understand that.

However, I do understand things like, "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." That's why David said, "Hear my cry... when my heart is overwhelmed...." I do understand, "the sick need a doctor". And Jesus asking the blind man, "what do you want?" Imagine his positive confession response: "Nothing. I can see really well. This is just a multitude of symptoms I've yet to overcome." If I believe I have need, I ask and receive. If I believe I have no lack, as some people teach today, then I am like Laodicea and the Pharisees and will not receive.

How did I get off on all that? Good night... I hope.

Gurus, Underoos, and Other Untouchables

(Ok, the post is really about consistency but I just liked that title...)

Battling the fierce icy winds, Brad wrestles his will into one last grasp...

He is there.... the top of the summit. And directly ahead sits, the great Ali Baba, the wise mountain man, (originally part of the Village People).

"Great wise one"... Brad questions... Wait if he is so wise, why does he sit here in the cold wrapped in a just a blanket? Brad looks closer and notices an electric cord running back into the strange housing.

"Electric blanket" says Baba with a smile.

"Baba," Brad says through chattering teeth. "It is ok if I call you Baba, right?"

"Yes, my son. Since Ali has been taken by Muhammed."

"I feel like I lack consistency in my life." Baba smiles as Brad continues. "I don't even know if I can be consistent."

"Of course you can, son. Why are you here?"

Brad looks confused... " Uh I feel like I lack consistency..."

"No No No, my son. How did you get here?"

"I climbed."

"And what does climbing entail?"

"A lot of hard work. Basically one hand then the next then one foot etc." The light of wisdom begin to dawn.

Baba smiles again. "So then, you have consistency. You just need to apply it in the areas where it is lacking. To conquer this mountain, you had to move methodically, consistently, and with great determination. It will be the same for any mountain in your life."

"Wow! Thanks, Baba. I guess I knew that but didn't." Baba smiles, looks confused, shrugs his shoulders and then smiles again. "So, Baba, is everyone in your family this wise?"

"No my son. Gathering knowledge is forbidden in my culture. We are to only listen to the elders. I, however, chose to go a different way and was shunned by my family. As your country would say, I became the black sheep of the family."

"Baba, black sheep?" Brad smiles, looks confused, shrugs his shoulders and then smiles again.

Dream

Hey! You dreamers...

Wake up already...

Visions happen when you're awake. Dreams happen when you're asleep. It's funny that the scripture doesn't say without a dream people perish. It says without a vision. A dream comes about by a multitude of business. Obviously, we can't do that business in our sleep. So at some point we have to wake up and see the dream become a vision. When we make the vision plain, people will know how to run.

I have a song on this new CD coming out called "Dream". The paradox of one of the lines just got me. "Dream a big dream, won't you reach for the thing God has promised to you." Dream and reach? Hmmm... One implies receiving the instructions, the other implies using those instructions to build something. When they package things, they use the pretty picture on the box to give you the fortitude to struggle through the bag of pieces inside. "Someday", we say, "this will look like that picture." So that is why scripture says a dream comes about by a lot of hard work (paraphrase). If you're going to sit back and wait for it, bury your talents and wait for a reward, then maybe you'll get lucky. As for me, I have these five talents.... and a dream. Time to get to work.

Like Susan Lucci...

Sometimes when I get letters back from songwriting contests I feel like Susan Lucci...

Remember her? I'm bound to be spelling that name wrong. She's the soap opera queen who was constantly nominated for best actress or something, but never actually won. Interpretation: You're good, just not good enough.

I tend to place in the top ten of every contest I enter, which is awesome. Someday though, I hope I win. Does that sound unspiritual? Remember that next time you're rooting for your favorite team. However, not winning does not mean I suddenly crumble into a corner and cry either. I go out and do it again, taking valuable lessons and experience from each new step. I have learned a lot by not letting my pride get in the way of personal improvement. I take what's valid, leave the rest, improve and go for it again. In the meantime, I get to share the songs with all kinds of people.

Isn't that what Jesus said to the rich young ruler? All that stuff is good, but not good enough. Sell all you have... etc. I like that. You want heaven? Then figure out what it's worth to you! You want to know Me, then count the cost. And now, for those on this side of salvation's shore, we know we won't hear those word in relation to being saved. But in the daily work I do, is doing a good job becoming the enemy of being the best? I will not settle for that. I will work hard to do the best I can at the things I am called to do. Even if I don't get the award, I will know that I gave it my best effort.

By the way, has Susan won that award yet?

Stressed out for nothing...

Well go figure...

My mistake was a mistake. There was no mistake. Uh... wait... I was mistaken about being mistaken? Any way, after a little recalculation I realized that I had simply made a mistake. I guess you got that part didn't you. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the previous blog.

Hmm... I'm sure there's something deep here... but I'm in studio, still working on songs sooooooo.... I will analyze it tomorrow... Wait... Isn't procrastination what got me into that spot in the first place?

Good night!

Counting The Cost... (a.k.a Doing the Scramble)

Some of you know what I mean...

Look at the checkbook, notice a missing number. Go to your balance sheet, and its not there either. Look at the online banking, and see it sitting in the pending column... the invisible charge. The rather large amount that somehow, never made it to the balance sheet or the check register. So you spent money thinking you had money and now this invisible monster that's come out of nowhere is about to teach you a lesson in subtraction. Nothing minus something equals negative something.

You can't give a little in faith hoping for a hundredfold blessing... because nothing times 100 equals zero. So what do you do?

You do the scramble.

A lot of prayer mixed with a lot of refiguring mixed with an occasional imitation of Wimpy from the old Popeye cartoons. " I will gladly pay you Tuesday..."

How did I get here again? The fine art of busyness. In fact, busyness is bad for business. It makes you inattentive. Double checking the books on Thursday would have made for a happier Monday. Of course, I don't worry too much. If it all comes down, then I have to learn my lesson and walk on. If I can't figure this out, I'll be ok. I don't know why, specifically, I say that. I guess I'm the eternal optimist, or drowning in denial. Either way, the scramble is on. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.

Hello to Her First

It was such a small thing, but it meant so much to her.

I came home today. We had a great worship service. My Pastor is preaching an awesome service on overcoming hurts... not like Rob and Brooke. Hurts as in pain. (Inside Joke). After church we had rehearsal for an hour and a half, making my day from 6-3. A full schedule.

Usually, when I get home, I say hello to whoever is in the living room and just go around the house telling everybody hi. This time, I made my way straight to my where my wife was taking a short nap. (Be careful... What are you thinking?). I made it a point to say hello to her first and just spend some time with her. The kids came into the room a little later to ask their mom what time I would be home. Only to find me there lying on the bed watching TV with her. "We didn't know you were home." They said.

"That's because he spent time with me first." She said with a huge smile. Then the kids had a huge smile... And I had a huge smile... then I realized that they were smiling cause they were probably thinking what you were thinking a paragraph ago. Once we set them straight though, they said they were smiling because we got to spend some time together. Go figure. So I will work harder at spend time with my wife, even if it's doing what seems like such a simple thing as saying hello.

Taking On Water

So after all the rambling about the yellow light, I came face to face with one today.... and stopped. My wife was impressed. That's kind of sad. I don't know if she was impressed with my resolve or that I kept my word. I hope it was the first.

I helped with the move again today... This time my son went too. That was cool. I didn't make my 13 year old son go with me. I just mentioned that a family needed some help and he volunteered to go. And yet, when we ask him to take out the trash...

Anyway, what a great kid.

I drank a lot of water today, and some soda. I probably have drunk more water in the last two days than in the last two weeks, because I have been working hard out in the sun.

That makes sense. I can't imagine an athlete reaching for a Big Gulp full of Dr. Pepper during the big game. The harder the body works the more important something like water, gatorade, etc. becomes. Soda seems more popular during leisure times.

Ready for the super spiritual connection? Warning, this is deep water. Just kidding. Times have been tough lately and I have found myself reading the Bible more. I'm not spending so much time with the comic books, art or writing magazines. I know in this time that I need something more sustaining. I need water, fresh and cool. Maybe it's the fire of God, maybe it's the heat of the night. It may just be summertime and that's the way it is. Who knows? Either way, I'm thirsty.

Gotta go to bed...

Yellow Lights and Deep Thoughts

Rushing to help a friend move last night, I was confronted with a whole bunch of yellow lights. Not like aliens or anything...yellow stop lights. Red means stop. Green means go. And yellow means... "Are you feeling lucky, punk?"

I felt real lucky. Especially with the cop sitting on the other side as I sailed past a (thank God) longer yellow light than usual. Justification? Going to help a friend.

This morning my Bible study was in Mark 3-5. At first I felt proud of myself after reading that story about healing on the sabbath. I was like Jesus. He would have ran yellow lights to help a friend. But then the super spiritual side of me that was obviously in denial realized the truth. I run yellow lights no matter what the situation is. That's bad.

As a father, husband, worship leader, musician, graphic artist, and whatever else... I find myself doing that too. Yellow does not mean hurry up. It means caution. Slow down and be prepared to stop.

I was working on a song this morning for final mixdown and realized that I had rushed past a couple of things early in the process that were now giving me trouble. Problem is, it was in the foundation of the mix. Way at the bottom. I had to tear things up to fix it. And had to redo all kinds of stuff.... All because when I first heard the problem I brushed past it and thought I could fix it later.

Maybe that's why I don't sleep. A long time ago when I was younger, maybe I brushed past something... something that didn't seem to be important. Some yellow light that said slow down, caution. And I said, "I'm feeling lucky!" and ran it. Maybe I missed something I would have seen. The crazy thing about taking chances though... eventually you will get caught by a yellow light that turns red. And at that point you will be caught in a intersection with cars coming at you from other directions and/or flashing red lights. At that point, what was the point of running all those other lights? Oh yeah... super spiritual... God told me too..., no... I had a friend in need... no... How about this. I have a rebellious streak in me that likes to peak out every once in a while by running yellow lights, listening to music on 11, going more than 20 miles over the speed limit, etc. It's adventurous, cool, thrilling, dangerous and wrong. What was the point again? I got lost there for a second. My deep thought began taking me under....

So, I will try not to run yellow lights anywhere. And as for the ones I'm already used to running, I guess I have to go back to those foundations and tear them up and relay them. That sounds awful.... But the song sounds great now... Hmmm.

Caving in...

I finally did it. I caved. Here it is! The Ramblings of a Christian Insomniac Musician. I wanted to call it the "Confessions...etc." but then you would expect me to confess something. Something really bad like, "I watch Seinfeld" or I was once a Kazaa user. Not going to happen much.

What will happen? Well, first, I will get teased by all those friends who have blogs and told me it was the latest hip thing. They'll say, what took you so long. Then I'll be teased by all those friends who don't like blogs.

So we start... but first remember to offer up prayers for London...which sounds like the name of a band...

Part I: The Ramble:
So I did not win the Contemporary Christian Music International contest. Nope. No sir. I spent most of the morning thinking about that today. Maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping. It's such a scary thing to be a musician sometimes. A lot of your life is spent trying to get people to like what you do, or maybe like you without changing what you do or who you are. Artistic integrity versus trying to sell tapes... uh CDs. Is it really that hard to do both? I love when people say, I'm going to do my music and I don't care what people think. Liars... they're all liars! They don't care what certain people think... but they do care what the people they respect think. I care what people think. I may not change what I do because of what you think, but I do care.

Part II: The Daily:
I helped my friend Cris move last night, got home around 11:30... p.m. - I called my wife on the way home and she mentioned that someone came up to the door and rang the doorbell a few minutes before I called. But no one was at the door when she got there.

So I drove faster. Much faster.

I drove the neighborhood to see if someone was just wandering, but there was no one. How funny! I go to work at EARLY in the morning and there are people walking around. But no one at Midnight. Hmmm. I locked all the windows and doors and went to bed. Kind of scary!