Suspicious Minds (Free At Last?)

So I'm sitting there feeling guilty.

My boss is looking around the room. Not at anyone in particular... Just around. "Someone has stolen our company laptop."

Of course I hadn't stolen the laptop. But I felt guilty. Anyone else ever have the problem? Well, I had another problem, too. Here I am, a black guy amongst all these other colors... I, interracially married Brad Irons. Me, Mr. Black worship leader for a majority white church. Me, Mr. have acoustic guitar, will travel. I felt defensive. I felt nervous. Surely, my mind said, they would suspect me. Why? I'm black and I like computers. We don't have a butler so they can't say he did it. That just leaves me.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to say it wasn't me. But, isn't that what guilty people say? So I didn't say anything. Guilt, guilt, go away. Come again some other day.

Then our local business bigot walked into the room. No secret there. We all know it. I think I'm the first black person he's ever liked. He looked at me, ready to say something he thought would be funny. But I am sure my look gave him a reason to return to the department he had come from.

Why am I struggling with this? My boss is not prejudice. He's a very reasonable man. The people there don't seem to have a problem with me (maybe one or three exceptions). There was no evidence for my irrational fear of being accused. But it was there. Especially when my friend Larry (remember him from previous blogs?) came up and said, "Hey, Brad. I hear you have a laptop for sale." I knew he was kidding But I was suddenly aware of all eyes on me. But... wait... it's not accusation. That felt bad for me. They felt it too?

One person jumped immediately into the conversation. "Like Brad would do something like that." She was offended for me. Defensive for me. I thought about that. IT wasn't just me.

So over 30 years after MLK, I'm still sitting here wondering if I will be accused of something based on my color while my co-workers noticeably try not to look at me because they think I may feel... uh ... like I feel and they don't want to hurt me.

I am amused to say the least. But I still feel guilty.