I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell...

(I know this is a long post. Don't feel obligated to read it. I just had to clear my head.)

I am amazed at how much I have grown to love the music of Rob Thomas and the band Matchbox Twenty. I am even more amazed that some of the songs I have loved on the radio, but didn't know who the artist was has turned out to be songs by the band or Thomas.

Case in point: my favorite Carlos Santanna song is "Smooth". Now I know that Thomas did the vocals and wrote the song. Two of my favorite "unknown artist" songs (Lonely No More and This Is How A Heart Breaks) have also turned out to be Rob Thomas. Funny isn't it. You can be someone's fan but never know them...

I'm sure my "fans" would be surprised to know how much I have wrestled with the thought of being in music anymore. I feel too old... that I will never have my chance... I'm not good enough... I don't have the money to make that professional recording etc. All the usual stuff.

I am very happy that God has given me the platforms He's given me. I love being the worship leader at my church. But right now I'm sitting looking at lyrics from over 300 songs I have written. Some of them are really good. That's not bragging.

I have hundreds of CDs, over 10,000 mp3s on my computer. Over 2000 songs on my phone. I have Rock, pop, rap, metal, country, big band, oldies, r&b, worship, instrumental, jazz, comedy,...etc. And that's just in my favorites list. I listen to a lot of music. I have interviewed artists for magazines, reviewed music, and even once had an online guide to Christian music that was used by stores and writers as a reference point. So I feel safe saying that some of my songs are lyrically and melodically on a professional level. I look around me and there is music everywhere. Instruments, recordings, posters, equipment. I really do believe that God specifically designed me to serve Him and His people through music.

But I feel lost now... The next level seems so far beyond me. I don't know how to break the glass ceiling above me. I feel like a car that needs to shift gears... But I don't know how. And I think I'm getting tired of trying. One of my "friends" said it's time to settle down and give up the dream. Stop recording and just be thankful for what is in your hands. But I am thankful for what I have. I just can't buy that this is where I stop. He even says that my songs are professional enough to "make it". But to think that I could "make it"? I don't have the look or the checkbook. Why try? He thinks I'm crazy, I think I'm just a little unwell. Cause I think, maybe just one more try.

I look around and don't regret where I am. I do not think I have misstepped or settled or anything like that. I am blessed. But it's like, I got my wings and flew up to a high ledge. But while my friends are relaxing here, I notice a higher ledge (notice... higher not better). I want to go there (Edit: Actually, it's more like... I think I'm supposed to be up there...). But it takes a different flying technique. I went to a class in Nashville that taught me quite a lot about what it's like on the other side... They even gave me some tools to build what I need to get there... but they forgot to tell me how to use this thing I just built. Where's that on switch?

I figure this post will probably be too long or maybe too sad for people to read all the way through. But it felt good typing it out of my system.